Christmas Trivia #14
Christmas Carols Who wrote While Shepherds Watched their Flocks by Night?
Stocking Stuffers In what U.S. State will you find Christmas Lake?
Holiday Traditions In the Night Before Christmas what type of headgear does Mamma wear?
Christmas Movies who plays Grampa in the 1977 mad for TV movie Christmas Miracle in Caufield ?
North Pole what do many Mexican families substitute for a Christmas tree?
Answers to Trivia #13
We Three Kings,Approx. $800, The Druids, Olivia Newton John, Norway Spruce.
Christmas Trivia #14
Christmas carols what Whitney Houston recording was #1 for Christmas 1992?
Stocking stuffers In what Canadian province can you find an island called Christmas?
Holiday Traditions what was the first year Queen Elizabeth ‘s message was televised in England?
Christmas movies Who plays Johnny in the 1977 mde for TV movie Christmas Miracle in Caulfield, USA?
North Pole What is Charles Minnegrode credited with doing in Virginia in 1842?
Answers to Trivia #13 We three Kings, $800.00, The Druids, Olivia Newton John, Norway spruce.
Christmas Trivia #13
Christmas Carols What carol gives us the line: “Star with royal beauty bright”
Stocking Stuffers How much does the average American plan to spend on Christmas each year?
Holiday Traditions From what religion did society adopt the tradition of the yule log?
Christmas Movies who plays Julia Stonecypher in the 1994 made for TV movie, A Christmas Romance?
North Pole What species of evergreen has the distinction of being Great Britain’s Christmas tree of choice.
Check tomorrow for the answers to #13
Your Aging Parents?
By Deb Hipp, Next Avenue Contributor
Sara Tapscott won’t ever forget the day an employee at her aging parents’ assisted living center knocked on their apartment door and told them they’d have to move. Their needs had become too great for the staff to accommodate.
Tapscott’s mom, who was 79 and down to 90 pounds from advanced Parkinson’s disease, was crying and shaking so badly that she nearly fell from her chair. Tapscott’s dad, who was 83 and a retired attorney with Alzheimer’s, attempted to make his case, holding a finger up for each point.
“We’ve always paid our rent on time. You’ve never had a problem from us. We’ve been ideal tenants,” he argued. None of that mattered. They still needed to move.
“It was horrible to see them like that,” says Tapscott, who’d been driving 400 miles roundtrip from Kansas City to Des Moines every few weeks to attend to her parents while working full-time as a nurse. Now she felt obligated to move near them.
“They’d been so good to me and put me through college,” Tapscott says. “How could I leave them there?
It is a question faced by many boomers and Gen Xers with aging parents who live far away: whether to uproot their own life to care for a parent or try to manage things from a distance. Neither choice is easy.
Tapscott’s parents, Mary and Leo, had received their diagnoses 10 years earlier. At first, “it didn’t seem like that big of a deal,” says Tapscott. “They weren’t sick.” Over the years, though, their symptoms worsened.
Ultimately, Leo, who weighed over 200 pounds, needed to be lifted out of bed, chairs and the car. Mary, a former journalist who held a master’s degree, had become incontinent and blurted out inappropriate thoughts unfiltered.
Tapscott’s back already ached from lifting her dad during visits. And her mom had fallen multiple times, breaking both wrists. There was no way that Tapscott and her sister, who also visited, could take care of their parents.
“Every time I visited, I could see how much worse they were becoming,” says Tapscott, who was in her early 50s at the time. She considered moving to Des Moines.
“Don’t you dare,” Mary told her in a rare lucid moment when Tapscott mentioned relocation. Other times, though, Mary and Leo pleaded with her to move and take care of them.
“Being a nurse, it was almost expected that I would take care of their needs,” says Tapscott. “But they needed more care than one person could give them, whether that person was a nurse or not.”
Sara and her sister wound up moving their parents from assisted living to a skilled nursing facility.
Aging Parents and Unrealistic Expectations
Caregivers who provide unpaid care for at least 21 hours per week report the highest stress of all caregiving groups, according to a 2015 report by the National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP. The typical high-hour caregiver provides care “for an average of five years and expects to continue care for another five years,” the report found.
Most people underestimate the time it takes to be a caregiver, says Amanda Lambert, owner of Lambert Care Management.
Even if your parent is in assisted living, your caregiving duties can include:
- Scheduling appointments and coordinating with health care professionals
- Monitoring your parent’s care at the facility or home
- Handling emergency medical calls
- Navigating stacks of insurance and medical bills
You could also be tasked with home maintenance, lawn care and household expenses. Meanwhile, you might still need to hold down a full-time job.
Moving Won’t Heal Old Wounds
Moving may be acceptable if you have a good relationship with your parents and time and resources to spend with your mom and dad — as long as they’re in favor of the move, says Lambert. However, don’t expect to heal a lifetime of conflict by swooping in to save the day.
“Ongoing conflict or issues will only be complicated by the role reversal of the adult child taking care of a parent,” says Lambert. In conflicted relationships, she recommends staying put and hiring a geriatric care manager with good contacts and a neutral view of the situation. That way, you can monitor from afar rather than uproot yourself.
Better Able to Handle a Change
When Amy Goyer was 48, she left her life in Washington, D.C., in 2009 to live in her parent’s Phoenix home and monitor their care in assisted living. She based her decision on her belief that she could handle a big change better than they could. Goyer’s mother had suffered a stroke and her father was declining from Alzheimer’s.
“I kept my home, and I get to travel back to D.C. regularly,” says Goyer, AARP’s family and caregiving expert. “I refer to that as ‘filling my tank.'”
Goyer’s move was by no means easy, though. Her parents eventually moved back into their house, and after her mom died a few years later, Goyer stayed on as the primary caregiver for her dad.
After moving, Goyer soon realized she could not possibly do everything that needed doing.
“I woke up six months after I came out there and I was so overwhelmed, I didn’t want to get out of bed,” she says. That day, Goyer made lists of all the tasks she’d assigned herself and saw that it was impossible to complete them all. So she hired someone to assist with running errands.
“I needed someone to help me, not necessarily my parents,” says Goyer, who misses “that ability to do whatever I want to do when I want to do it.” Still, she’s glad she made the move.
“There are things that are not the way I wish,” says Goyer. “But if I hadn’t moved here, I would have always regretted it.” Goyer still cares for her father, who is now 93.
‘You Give Up Your Whole Self’
Even though Tapscott knows that she didn’t have the resources and physical ability to move and take on full-time caregiving for her parents, she’ll always struggle with her decision.
“If I had a dollar for every tear I shed in guilt, I could have hired 15 caregivers,” says Tapscott.
She and her sister alternated visits to Des Moines until Mary died in 2004. Tapscott even bought a handicapped-accessible van to transport her dad when she visited. In 2006, she moved Leo into a nursing home in Kansas City near her home.
“He only lasted three weeks,” says Tapscott. “There’s so much guilt if you don’t do it. But you also realize you give up your whole self to move, and in the long run, I didn’t think my parents would have wanted that.”
“I went back and forth about it until they died,” says Tapscott. “I still do.”
America is in the midst of an age boom and with it, an amazing transition. In general, those over the age of 50 are expected to live longer than any previous generation. Enter NextAvenue.org, a public media website devoted to the aspi…
Feeling Guilty about looking after or not looking after your parents
As caregivers, we often feel guiltyfor not rescuing our parents from the pain and discomfort of old age. But we cannot rescue them; we can only offer our love and support and hope they accept it. Yet, many of us do offer that to our elderly parents and still feel guilty. What is this guilt about?
In my experience and in my discussions with other caregivers I have found a variety of complex experiences that we refer to as “guilt.” Some forms of guilt have to do with not meeting other people’s expectations, while other forms have to do with not meeting our own.
There is the guilt we feel when we don’t do things that we think we “should.” These “shoulds” are injunctions that we have not completely internalized as our own. When you say “I should visit my mother every day,” it really means you imagine someone else thinks you “should.” Perhaps you imagine your relatives think you should visit your mother every day. When you think: “I should make dinner for my family instead of visiting my mother after work,” you are not saying you think that’s right or that’s what you wish to do. Rather, you are expressing the feeling that other people, perhaps your husband, thinks that it is the right thing to do. Conflicting “shoulds” can be quite anxiety provoking, making you feel torn in many directions.
Then there is separation guilt—the guilt that communicates: “I am a separate person, I have different values or different needs than you do. We are not one.” Separation guilt may emerge as a result of physically separating from your parent—moving to a different city. But separation can be symbolic as well as physical. Making different choices about how to live your life can give rise to separation guilt as well. Each move toward self-development can feel like betrayal of your mother because you are living your own separate life.
And there is guilt as a result of having an envious mother. One of my patients, Patricia, feels guilty for having anything more than her mother. Her mother did not enjoy her daughter’s achievements; she was contemptuous of them because she was envious. Having sensed her mother’s envy beneath the contempt, Patricia feels guilty for going to graduate school when her mother left school after high school to care for her sick father. Patricia admitted she was even guilty for not having arthritis and cancer as her mother did.
On the other hand, there is moral guilt—a response to a violation of our own moral code. If you’ve spent your life believing elderly people should be kept in the community and decide to put your father in a nursing home, the guilt you experience is “moral guilt.” Moral guilt is painful because it shakes your sense of self and involves a reconsideration of beliefs you took for granted.
There is also the guilt that one experiences as a result of ambivalent feelings toward your parent. If you are angry toward your mother when you have to decide whether to put her in a nursing home, there is always the question of whether you are doing what your mother needs or you are trying to hurt her.
And then there is the guilt of feeling you are the special one who can offer comfort and solace, but other exigencies of your life (like living far away) make you unavailable to do so. Sometimes it is true that you are the only one who can offer comfort and solace, you may be an only child and your parent is widowed. That is a painful conflict when you have other obligations that are even more compelling—young children or a sick husband. However, in some cases feeling that you are the only one who can offer comfort is a wish to be special rather than reality. In that case, as painful as the guilt is, it is the price for feeling special. Feeling less guilty involves the realization that you are not the only person who can provide some comfort for your mother, allowing you to mobilize other people to do so.
My friend Susan suffers from “shoulds” and from separation guilt. Susan’s mother was born in Italy and feels that daughters are obligated to have their parents live with them when they get old. She feels angry that Susan will not let her live with her and Susan feels guilty. Susan feels she “should” invite her mother and if she were a good daughter she would. But Susan was not born in Italy. She is an American-born writer with, a Ph.D., and she does not believe that daughters are obligated to have their parents live with them; she just feels like she “should.” In addition, Susan suffers from separation guilt. When she says “no you can’t live with me” to her mother she is also saying: “I am a separate person Mom, I have different values than you do. I don’t want to live my life the way you did.”
What might help Susan allay her guilt and forgive herself? She has to think about whether she agrees with those “shoulds.” Who is it that thinks she “should” do this or that? What does she believe is right? If what she believes is right does not coincide with the “shoulds,” then she has to decide if she wants to mold her life around what those people think she “should” do. Susan knows that if her mother moves into her house she will feel perpetually angry toward her because her mother will not be satisfied with the level of Susan’s attentiveness to her. Susan will also feel bad about herself for feeling angry toward her mother for intruding in her life and violating her privacy. Her mother wants something that Susan does not want to give. Susan has set a limit.
If Susan cannot give her mother all that she wants, what can she do for her? She can fulfill her own moral standard by finding a warm, safe environmentfor her mother where she will have social contacts and be taken care of. She can talk to her mother’s doctor about prescribing anti-depressants. But she cannot rescue her mother. However, she may drown trying.
This is an excerpt from my book: Doing the Right Thing: Taking Care of Your Elderly Parents Even if They Didn’t Take Care of You (Tarcher/Penguin, 2006 paperback), pgs. 84-88.
Christmas Trivia #10
Christmas Carols what popular Christmas carol has the following lyrics” Glories stream from Heavenly host sing Alleluia?
Stocking Stuffers Who wrote the Christmas murder mystery The Body in the Transept?
Holiday Traditions Who were banned from the two Pensacola, Florida shopping malls in 1996?
Christmas Movies On what street did a Santa Claus miracle happen?
North Pole when did the Finish start decorating outdoor Christmas trees with lights?
Answers to Christmas trivia #9
Mel Torme, William Kotzwinkle , It begins on the lsa Sunday in November and ends on Christmas Day,Danny Kaye, The Paradise Tree.
Christmas Trivia #9
Christmas Carols The lyrics “Oh morning stars together proclaim the holy birth” are from what Christmas hymn?
Stocking Stuffers What percentage of Americans wish Christmas was less materialistic?
Holiday Traditions In North America a Christmas tree with sparse branches is commonly described as ?
Christmas Movies Who plays “the visitor” in the 1990 made for TV movie Guess Who;s Coming for Christmas?
North Pole What Belgian city ha received a Christmas Tree from Helsinki every year since 1954?
Answers to #8
White Christmas, China, 1670, Robert Downey Jr., Joyeux Noel
Christmas Trivia #8
Christmas Carols what it the biggest selling Christmas single of all times?
Stocking Stuffers What country ships almost $100 million worth of artificial Christams trees to the U.S each year?
Holiday Traditions When would you find that first historical reference to the candy cane?
Christmas Movies Who plays Tommy Larson in the 1995 version of Home for the Holidays?
North Pole How does Santa say Merry Christmas in French?
Answers to #7
Tchaikovsky, 1,446, Germany, Nebraska, Sarbatori
Christmas Carols Who wrote the Nutcracker Suite?
Stocking Stuffers What is the population of Noel, Montana? 1,446, 14,446 or 144,446
Holiday traditions What country gave us the candy cane?
Christmas Movies Where doe Addie live in the 1972 made for TV movie The House Without a Christmas Tree?
North Pole How does Santa say Merry Christmas in Romanian?
Answers to #6
12, 1,162, in the early 20th century , Homecoming: A Christmas Story, Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzemia or Boze Narodznie.
Christmas Carols How old was Jimmy Boyd when his song I saw Mommy kisshing Santa Claus hit the top of the pop charts?
Stocking Stuffers What is the population of Christmas Florida 1,162, 11,162 or 116,162?
Holiday Traditions When did the first multi candy canes appear?
Christmas Movies What 1971 made for TV movie was a spin off from the Waltons?
North Pole How does Santa say Merry Christmas in Polish?
Answers to #5 traffic cop, China, Germany, Sgt. Joseph Coton, played by Zachary Morgan,the children.
Christmas Trivia #5
Christmas Carols In the Christmas song Frosty the Snowman who yells stop to Frosty?
Stocking Stuffers What country ships over $800 million worth of stuffed toys to the U.S. each year.?
Holiday Tradition Which country did American retailers first import tree ornaments from ?
Christmas Movies Who does Ginger rogers invite home for Christmas in the 1945 movie I’ll be seeing you.?
North Pole who were nestled all snug in t her beds in the Christmas poem, A Visit from St. Nicholas?
answers to #4
The Nutcracker is a ballet The Nutcracker Suite is a musical, Canada,one in five,Mickey Rooney, Sugarplums
What is the difference between the Nutcracker and the Nutcracker Suite?
What country is leading supplier of ice skates to the USA each year?
According to sociologists at University of Sussex how many people leave their Christmas shopping until the last week before Christmas ?
Who plays retired cop Mike Halligan in the made for tv movie It Came Upon the midnight clear?
What visions are dancing in the children’s heads in the Christmas poem A Visit from St. Nicholas?
answers to #3
on the snow covered plains, Martha Grimes, Bah Humbug, Julie Andrews A sound of music, epiphany
Christmas Trivia Posting#2
Christmas Carols In the Christmas song for Cowboys, on what kind of plains did they drive the cattle?
Stocking stuffers who wrote the Christmas murder mystery Jerusalem Inn?
Holiday traditions What is Scrooge’s favourite two word expletive
Christmas movies What miniseries took five Emmy awards in 1988?
North Pole Traditionally, Christmas trees and other greenery should be removed from the home after what day?
Answers to Posting # 1
Alabama , Jane Haddam, The Teddy Bear. A Claymation Christmas Celebration , Washington D.C.
Answers to Posting #2 next post.
Christmas Carols In the Christmas song Christmas for cowboys on what kind of plains did they drive cattle?
Stocking stuffers: who wrote the Christmas murder mystery Jerusalem Inn?
Holiday traditions What is Scrooge’s favourite two word expletive?
Christmas movies. what miniseries took five Emmy awards in 1988?
North Pole Tradtionally , Christmas trees and other greenery should be removed from the home after what day?
Post #2 answers
Little Richard Penniman, 46,000, Corning, Peter H. Hunt, Alaska
Christmas Carols What country musical group sang the song Christmas in Dixie? posting #1
Stocking Stuffers Who wrote the Christmas murder mystery A Stillness in Bethlehem?
Holiday traditions What popular Christmas toy was named after Theodore Roosevelt?
Christmas Movies What won an Emmy for outstanding animation in 1988?
Northpole What U.S. city lights the Christmas tree on the Ellipse?
Answers next post. .
|The Fear of Appearing Dumb|
Living in fear of sounding intelligent can rob your friends of knowing the real you.
The fear that others will perceive you as unintelligent can further influence your behavior, causing you to consciously avoid speaking your mind or asking questions. You may feel uncomfortable participating in activities if there is a chance that you won’t excel or taking part in discussions with others who may have more knowledge than you. In essence, you become ashamed of who you are and attempt to encase your identity in a veneer that others will find pleasing and impressive. It is, however, a common fear – one experienced by almost everyone at some point in their lives. The simplest way to combat it is to make a personal commitment to being yourself in your home, your workplace, and among strangers. Ask yourself how you believe the individuals you encounter will react should you speak awkwardly, need clarification, or fail to be the best at some activity. By being yourself, you will discover that all people make mistakes and ask questions and that others will like and respect you because they recognize the goodness in your soul.
The fact that you are willing to be yourself, letting your many affirmative attributes express themselves naturally, will help you make a positive first impression on everyone you meet and earn the esteem of your family and friends. Your confidence and easygoing manner will say, “this is who I am and I am proud of the person I have become.”
DailyOM Course Spotlight
BY DEBBIE FORD
If you are not moving steadily in the direction of what you say you want, you can be certain that you are sabotaging yourself somewhere. As we come to understand the mechanisms and patterns that underlie self-sabotage, we begin to free ourselves…we begin to allow ourselves to interact with ourselves and the world with greater success, joy, and fulfillment. The process of breaking through denial, facing your fear, anger, and other difficult emotions, and making peace with your pain, leads to an ending of the internal war with yourself so that you can step fully into the greatest expression of yourself. Finding the wisdom inside the wounds you’ve endured is one of the most important conversations you’ll ever have with yourself, because on the other side of it is the emotional freedom and depth of joy that you were born to have. This course invites you to honor the lessons from your past experiences so that your future will have a new tone, a new vibration, and a new kind of passion.